stuck in marriage?

Or marriage struck?

After my last post on temporary divorce I worried that some of my readers might question my committment to married life, or at least those who do not get my pathetic attempt at droll wit.

So worried was I, in fact, that I scoured back to the sad beginnings of my blog for an old post, one of my earliest, in order to camouflage my blogger's block shore up any doubts. Because the fact of the matter is, I'm about as emotionally dependent on committed to my husband as I am to inhaling the air around me.

And so here is my repeat post, which, for the record, enjoyed zero comments two years ago. Needless to say, I am hoping for a better comment showing the second time around.

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For the past several years at Edge, John Brockman has asked scientists and philosophers a provocative question and then posts their answers.

The 2008 question was "What have you changed your mind about?"

One psychology professor's reply reflected on his research. Daniel Gilbert suggested that the decisions which leave us with the ability to change our minds are less satisfying than decisions which are irrevocable.

Not long after he reached this conclusion he went home to propose to his girlfriend. After several years of marriage, he believes he loves her more as his wife than he loved her as his girlfriend.

For me, a longtime married person, its refreshing to learn there are theories out there that support the notion that love can grow precisely because of options lost.

Or make that, the choice to love only one.

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Because my own personal case study in marriage, my n=1, no double-blind-placebo experiment, has led me to the same conclusion. I felt stark panic considerable uncertainty about the decision to get married. I love him but is he the right man for me? Will it last? Do I really want to make Texas my home?

But once he put the golden band around my finger all doubts fell away. Uncertainty was replaced by a more complete depth of knowing than I ever thought possible.

The divorce rate tells me this isn't everyone's experience. But I do wonder about the satisfaction levels of other irrevocable decisions.

Having a child comes to mind. We all know how powerfully satisfying parenthood can be. I know in my case, I am always awed into silence when an indecisive childfree person asks me whether she should have children or not. My first instinct as a Mom, though not as a psychologist, is to say "You will not regret it. Not even for a half of a trillionenth of a nanosecond. It is the single most life changing and rewarding experience you will ever know."

How about you, reader. Once you put a sealed decision behind you, did your satisfaction grow?

big win for mayor elect

Houston Mayor-elect Annise Parker

celebrates her runoff election victory

with her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard (in purple)

I love to see a woman beat a man make history. Especially when that woman is a lesbian.

In this case, Annise Parker was the first openly lesbian woman to be elected mayor of an American metropolis: Houston.

Every now and again the citizens of Texas get it right.

I also love to see it when history making members of the GLBT community show that they, too, cherish loving, longterm committments. Parker and her partner have been together 19 years. They have two children.

Why their two children are denied married parents doesn't make any sense to me. Kids of gay parents have it tough enough, don't they?

Take Mason, for instance, a young Austin resident who spoke before a public crowd to say he gets teased at school. You don't come from a "real family," is one taunt he's had to endure. And as research has now shown, there are psychological consequences of denying gay rights.

But in order for Parker to win the Houston election, she had to make some political and very personal concessions. During a campaign debate she stated she would not push for same-sex partner benefits for Houston's city workers. Denying health insurance for her very own wife partner.

“Personally it’s very important,” she was quoted as saying, “but, as mayor of Houston, do I want to engage resources in fighting that battle, or do I want to tackle the budget? Do I want to tackle drainage? Do I want to try to put more police officers on the street? It’s the difference between the personal and what this city needs.”

One step at a time.

listen, its our song OR just another music monday

So many couples have a special song. The first song we danced to. A song we heard on the radio when we fell in love. Our wedding dance song. An album or an artist we listened to together, staring into each other's eyes, promising love and loyalty and "every Saturday night together forever and ever."

It also may be the song we cry hardest to when we break up.

At least one hormone appears to be connected to this music-bonding experience: oxytocin. You may have heard of, or had a personal encounter or two with oxytocin's synthetic evil sister, Pitocin. You know, that friendly-as-a-pit-bull-without-lipstick, labor inducing drug.

Also known as the love and cuddle drug, oxytocin is a natural hormone released by human beings at key relationship events in our lives. Women are believed to be awash in xxytocin when we breast feed, for example. In this way, it is thought that Oxytocin helps cultivate deep bonds of affection, or attachment, as this loving phenomenon is referred to in the psychological literature.

It makes sense, doesn't it? While feeding our helpless infants, our body is sending signals that encourage us to develop one of the most intense feelings known: parental love. From an evolutionary perspective, this helps our species survive. It also makes for some of the greatest joys, and greatest sorrows, of human existence.

HugTheMonkey is a blog dedicated to understanding the role Oxytocin plays in our lives. Its a fascinating site to click around and learn about the many ways oxytocin influences our relationships.

A recent post there tells us that researchers believe we release oxytocin when we listen to and perform music. It may help explain why dancing is such a prevalent romance building ritual. Why romantic movies play such dramatic music. Why so many quarters are dropped into juke boxes for "crying in my beer songs."

I can remember enduring a heartbreaking period in my life (or two, or three) and feeling the need, nay, the compulsion to listen to sad, sappy, "you don't love me anymore" songs. The tears would fall, I would feel like the lonliest, sorriest person on earth, and repeat this masochistic ritual until I reapplied my makeup and went out on the prowl, looking for my next victim.

Some songs can be heard years later, immediately "taking us back" to a loving phase in our life, typically the beginning of a serious relationship. One such song for me is "Back on the Chain Gang" by the Pretenders (apt title, huh?). It was my senior year in college and I was in the middle of a brand new relationship with someone who lived across the continent. Oh moony me. To this day, I hear this song and it catapults me back to that semester. Even though I don't have any remnants of the same feeling now for this (louse) person, the pleasurable feelings from that period come rushing back. At least for the three minutes while the song lasts.

So the next time you and your partner run into a dry spell? Can't remember what compells you to stay with this ignoramus? Break out in song. Or, if you're not the Von Trapp Family, break out the song. Grab a glass of wine, dim the lights, turn on your CD player and dance to your favorite melodies together. Or simply listen. See if this sparks the ole memory. See if you can get some oxytocin flowing.

What are some of your oxytocin inducing songs?

Painting titled, "The Devil's Phonograph," borrowed without the owner's permission.

Can be purchased here.

love by any other gender

smells as sweet.

Take a look at the video (below) of a photo montage.

I don't know how to imbed videos (un-doable on this blog host?) so a link will have to suffice.

This photo montage asks, What's the Difference?

Thanks to Dr. Deb for sharing this video on her blog.