Friday, October 24, 2008

sex video for real women

It's been awhile since my last juicy sex post. So let's get started, shall we?

I am going to do light hearted, yet serious, review of one of the self-help-sex video's I purchased several years ago. Expand Her Orgasm Tonight! It has the potential for being a great video for women to share with their partners. It can be helpful for men who think they have "tried everything" to help the woman in their life have regular, dependable, orgasms. Maybe even batting-1000, Big O's. This video teaches skills that help women achieve multiple orgasms, too. Now wouldn't that be nice?

Very important, though. Read this first: There are many causes of inorgasmia in women (or men). Most causes are due to psychological factors: inadequate technique, performance anxiety, shyness, sexual identity issues, and conflict in the relationship, to name a few. In some instances, however, physical or medical factors are at root. Women and men experiencing orgasmic difficulty should see a physician or psychologist or certified sex counselor who has expertise in the area of sexual dysfunction to assist in ruling out medical problems. But many people who are comfortable with sexual intimacy and comfortable with their partners can be helped by learning a good skill set. And this video addresses technique enhancement.

Next very important. Read this second: This video requires quite a few up-front disclaimers. Humorous pointers that I think help viewers get the most out of this video (and in some cases not run out of the room laughing). But an overall good rule of thumb: Adjust expectations according to your own goals. This video is promoting marathon orgasms. What woman doesn't want that, right? Well frankly, many of us. Most of us are looking for our partners to give us orgasms on a reliable basis. Mulitiple orgasms are a really, really nice bonus. Extended orgasms are an entirely different matter. Both partners should be on board for such a goal.

I suggest thinking about the video in this way: Think of a jogger who wants to improve her running time or increase his distance. This video would be like picking up an instructional video on running a marathon. You can learn to run a marathon here. But you can also learn simple skills for improving your running performance, no matter what distance you choose.

View with the understanding that noone has to go for the marathon orgasms. It's probably better if people do not, at least not initially. This video is a means of teaching people a set of skills to enhance orgasm. Period. Too often, men especially take on a competitive mindset. If he can do it, so can I. If she can do it, so can my partner. Not necessarily. Each woman is unique. Goals need to be reasonable and in sync. And woman friendly first. Her preferences matter most here. If you push too much, you could sabotage good sex.

More commentary and disclaimers:

1. The participants in this video are not professional actors. They are sex educators. The teacher of expanded orgasm is Dr. Patricia Taylor (Dr. Patti, to her students). She has a PhD in Transpersonal Psychology. I don't know what that is exactly. But in this instance, it doesn't seem to matter. She is not treating anyone for major depression or bipolar disorder. She is teaching sex skills here. And I think she does a good job.

Brief mention of Dr. Patti's dissertation title: Expanded Orgasm as a Pathway to the Transcendence of Consciousness. That's what I call a cocktail party conversation starter. Dr. Patti began her career path with an MBA in Finance from Wharton. No small fry, that. She eventually decided studying and teaching about orgasms was more fun than managing mutual funds. Who would guess?

2. The man who "co-stars", Jim Heynemann, is also purported to have a PhD and an MBA but I haven't been able to verify where he got his degrees or what in. Again, the degrees aren't what matter in this video. The man has incredible hands and the willingness to teach.

3. What Dr. Jim is not so good at, unfortunately, is pillow talk. When he strays from the instructional script, he gets a little, um, canned sounding. Maybe he watched too much 1970's porn. Or not enough. I don't know. But after my husband and I viewed this video I gave him this gentle warning: If you ever say "Now you're cookin' Patti" to me, I will go postal on ya.

You may want to issue a similar gentle warning your partner as well. It is that un-sexy.

4. Last word on Dr. Jim. You will never look at a short, silky turquoise blue robe in the same way again. In fact, I had the severe misfortune of having bought a short, silky turquoise blue robe for myself a mere few months before viewing this DVD (WTF?). A few days after my husband and I watched the video, I came home in the middle of the afternoon to find my husband waiting for me. He was wearing nothing but a mischievious expression and said blue robe. His idea of funny. My idea of "burn the goddamn blue robe already."

5. Most of us get used to Hollywood style movie actors who are stunningly beautiful or distractingly hawt. Well, these educators do not fall into either category. So advice to readers: Get over it. These are real people having real sex. And I can almost guarantee you have never seen this kind of real sex portrayed on your home DVD player before. Unless you, like me, review how-to sex improvement videos. But seriously, it takes a bit of getting used to, these average looking video stars.

6. An important word about lubricants. This video may have been made before personal lubricants were widely available. Maybe before lubricants were invented. So when you practice the skills in this video, for the love of goddess, substitute "petroleum jelly" with one of the many water based personal lubricants or "warming jellies" available. Several brands are sold at your garden variety chain pharmacy and in the personal health section of department stores, such as Tar-jay. Do yourself or your partner a huge favor. Buy some. In my case, hubby doesn't like the smell or feel of personal lubricants. He prefers good old fashioned saliva. (TMI?) And it works for me. The bottom line is, whatever works for you. And if petroleum jelly is all you've got, so be it. It seems to work for Patti. But know that petroleum jelly is generally thought to be drying and that's not what we're after here.
7. A final word about lubricants in this video. Or specifically, about the massive amount of petroleum jelly used by Dr. Jim on Dr. Patti. Anytime I watch this, all I can think about is how many repeat showers it must have taken Dr. Patti to wash all that gunk off of her love nest.

In other words, it may take a second, or third, viewing for the actual skill set to make inroads. To get past the distracting elements. And to get past feeling embarrassed. I felt quite embarrassed when I first watched this. Its way more intimate and real than porn. It took some getting used to.

I wish I had excerpts from the video here, but I don't. You can listen to a podcast or read the transcript of an interview with Dr. Patti where she describes expanded orgasm, here. You can read more about Dr. Patti here. And I found a blog she hasn't posted on in many months, here. You can see her on YouTube giving a talk about using tantric concepts, such as being more "springy" here to get an idea of who she is. The Expand Her Orgasm Tonight video, however, does not get into the concepts of kundalini, or Kashmiri Sharvism, or tantra. It is strictly nuts-and-bolts, practical information and skills.

Last Warning: This video could lead to pregnancy. Not the skills or activities presented in the video but activities that are likely to occur directly afterward. I gave the video as a gift at a white elephant party. Several months later the recipient of the gift showed up at the next party pregnant with her third child. And with a big smile on her face, I might add.


Queers United said...

my friend just had her first orgasm with a man, ill refer her to this thanks.

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

I love the admonishment you offered up early on (Now you're cooking, Patti).

Thanks for the recommendation. So few sex videos make much sense for real women...

Vodka Mom said...

omg you crack me the hell up. Now, and more importantly, where can I get it?

Mrs. G. said...

I wonder if this is on Netflix.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

This review is both hysterical and informative. I'm appreciate the cautionary info.

Nora said...

Dude, that dissertation is way, WAY cooler than mine. She should enter the AAAS "dance your dissertation" contest. (It's real! Prizes!)

shrink on the couch said...

queers -- I hope she (he) reads it. thanks.

lisa -- for real, the "cooking" feedback is seriously creepy

vodka mom -- I bought my copy at amazon, I think.. but her website might have other options

mrs g -- good question. let me know if the answer is yes. my neighbor rents programming computer videos, so why not programming orgasms?

jenn -- tip of the iceberg. I know there are more cautionary pieces that I'm forgetting.

nora bee -- I had to google everywhere and then piece together from memory that it stands for Amer Academy for Advancement of Science. I'm that far removed from academia : ( But damn, a dance contest. Really? I'd love to know some winners.

isabella mori said...

this is really funny! a review that is nothing but caution here, caution there - and it whet my whistle (was that my whistle? :))

how'd you do that??

dkuroiwa said...

So...if this wasn't your "first juicy sex post"...may I ask WHERE the rest are?? you know...just in case....

I wonder if I can get this video with Japanese subtitles, otherwise,...yeah...what would be the point? :-)

planet trans said...

saliva is best lol!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Now that's damn funny....

"Now you're cookin' Patti"

Ain't nothing' sexier than THAT!

Anonymous said...

oh you are so funny. I think lesbians are generally pretty clued up about orgasms (well, all the ones I have ever been with have been) but yes, there are a few men I have had the misfortune to be involved with who might benefit from a little instruction.

I'd love to watch this vid after your write-up. Petroleum jelly? haha oh how awful. Actually the awfulness of many heterosexual sex lives doesn't bear thinking about. I'm sure some poor women never realise what they are missing out on. So it is good that there is help out there.

shrink on the couch said...

isabella -- thanks for saying so, because yes it was heavy on caution.

dkuroiwa -- try here:

kelli -- the 2nd best part about it, its free!

rb -- I do find myself wondering how many women have gone to their graves never knowing. Its sad. One of the Vagina Monologues makes you think about that, too. The old lady who recalls dating the guy with his new car upholstery. Remember that one?

Mental P Mama said...

Christmas list.

shrink on the couch said...

mental p -- you won't be sorry!

JCK said...

OK, the last warning I take seriously. SERIOUSLY. I will never, EVER watch this video for fear of even imagining myself pregnant again. Two is perfect, thank you very much, says the woman who just turned 47.

You may have missed your calling. Reviewing sex videos you do quite well. Entertaining. Educational. And so funny about your husband and the blue robe.

shrink on the couch said...

jck -- I'm glad you saw the blue robe story for what it was: his idea of a joke. I later had a twinge of blogger's remorse - will people think he's a cross dresser? And, "no wonder the poor woman needs sex videos."

Andrea Frazer said...

Too funny.