please sir, I want some more

Sexual dissatisfaction is a leading cause of divorce. If my husband doesn't like to read and discuss books (he doesn't), I can join a book club (I haven't). If my husband doesn't please me sexually, I'm not free to go out and find a sex partner (I haven't done this either). Or at least, I don't think so. Marriage vows and all that. So if our spouse isn't meeing our sexual needs, we need to either keep trying and really work on communicating, or we're, as they say, "shitouttaluck." There is that unhappy alternative that supposedly half of all marrieds resort to, infidelity. But this post is for those of us who choose to stick it out and make things better.

When I evaluate an individual's or a couple's sexual intimacy, the most common problem I see is women who feel that their preferences are neglected or ignored. In many cases, women report sexual passivity: The typical pattern, if not the sole pattern, is for the man to initiate the sexual flow, from start to finish, with the woman having very little input. And not surprisingly, she is often deprived of an orgasm.

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Or if she does experience one, it is not fully satisfying. Afterall, the average female orgasm lasts 20 seconds. That's 20 seconds ladies. Count them: 1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi, 3-Mississippi.... (Compared to a man's 8 seconds, by the way). And some researchers tell us women are capable of more than 100 orgasms per hour; men, 16 (sorry again, guys).

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Disclaimer: Not that this 100-orgasms-per-hour statistic is what any couple should strive for. It simply illustrates the capability of some women and why some women, after their no-orgasm or their 3-second-pitiful-excuse-for-an-orgasm are often left humming Peggy Lee tunes.

So I frequently encourage women to let their partners know what they want. Simple enough, right? Not at all. No, of course not. Too many women report finding it extremely difficult to tell him what she wants. So she doesn't. She needs to work on that (a future post).

Let's look at cases where women DO tell their husbands what they want, usually some form of wanting more direct clitoral stimulation, either orally or manually. Problem solved? Not so fast. The man often doesn't change his repetoire. Or the change is so short lived that she still doesn't reach sexual satisfaction. So he may give her more, but its only about 20 seconds more when what she really needs is, say, 20 minutes more.

In fact, research has shown us that women require, on average, 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Some women take only a few minutes (lucky byotches) and some women take much longer, say 30 or 40 minutes (sorry AGAIN, guys). Which is not to say we women can't work to reduce this time frame. We can. And with practice, men can learn exactly what we like and lessen the time-to-orgasm that way. It's what makes open mindedness, communication and practice, practice, practice so beneficial (and fun).

Back to women communicating but with no success. I often hear that the man gives his partner more attention for the next encounter or two, and then, poof, it disappears. Back to the ordinary fare (i.e., no orgasm for you again, unlucky lady).

I've been a victim of both of these scenerios and know firsthand what a lonely, frustrating, angry and sad experience it can be. This latter scenerio being particularly disappointing and confusing. Must I hand him a honey-do-list before each and every sexperience? Why doesn't he get that I want that every time? Is he that dense? Or uncaring?

Its as if some men are intent upon three motives: (1) pleasing himself; (2) giving the woman what HE wants her to enjoy (refer back to #1); (3) giving the woman what he hopes she will enjoy, without actually checking to see whether she does enjoy it. Unless you count the cursory (but dreaded), "Was that good for you, too?" But I don't count that. Neither is usually honest here.

Speaking of dishonesty, many women report they fake orgasms in order to "get it over with" because they know their partner won't stop until he thinks she's had one. So if he's going to persist in all that misguided thrusting, often to the point of making her sore, she may as well end it sooner, rather than later. BTDT, too. Again: lonely, frustrated, angry, sad. (p.s. I got rid of that guy, just so you know).

Here's another "just so you know," men fake orgasms too. And it's a vicious cycle. "But that's always worked for you before" becomes an opportunity to admit you've been dishonest. Ouch. A dicey but very necessary step along this path to fixing sexual intimacy.

So is this another "all men are selfish cads" rant? No. Most men report that they want very much to please their partners. Traditional pornography aims the camera at the woman's face way more often than the man's, afterall (what more proof do we need?). Men, apparently, want to see her face writhing in orgasmic pleasure (never mind that the porn star is faking, too). Porn fantasy is all about placing oneself in the starring role, and for men, that role is giving her an orgasm. Giving her scads of them, in fact, with just his magnificent penis! Hate to break it to ya, dudes. Only 20% of women orgasm through penis penetration alone. I haven't checked out much pornography lately, but the "penis only" formula was pretty much all I saw. I gave up looking for inspiration and decided to work on reality.

By the way, if you haven't noticed, 20 is the magic number of female sexuality.

*20-second orgasms

*20-minutes to get there

*20% can orgasm through penetration alone.

But back to the man in our life. If men DO want us to have really good orgasms and they get really turned on at the idea of being the source of them, what gives?

Perhaps it has something to do with that man-woman communication thing I posted about previously (see, man talk). If we accept that men avoid situations that place them in the one-down position, they maybe are prone to avoid putting themselves in the awkward position of figuring out what exactly their wife likes. In other words, they are exploring unknown territory. We already know that men don't like stopping to ask directions, right? What makes us think they're going to be any better at stopping to ask us during the most intimate of acts?

There are many avenues this post can take, but my main point is to inform women (and men) of something I don't think we hear often enough: we are not alone. Forget what so many of the ladies magazine sex surveys say. (Sexual surveys are some of the most inaccurate -- this has been studied, too -- with people consistently over reporting their sexual frequency and satisfaction -- something to do with that pesky cognitive dissonance, I suspect).

Don't go by what you read, or what you see in the movies (goddess no). Go by what you feel. Take an honest accounting of your sexual experience. If you're feeling dissastified, if you realize that your partner is not responding to your needs, don't give up on yourself. Work on it. Talk to him about it. Explain that you want to have good orgasms too, and yes, maybe even multiple orgasms, because you can, fairly routinely, believe it or not. And that you want to bat close to 1000 like he does (maybe). It's an entirely doable goal to reach orgasm 100% of the time.

Or, okay, maybe you don't want to shoot for the moon. Shoot for stopping the charade and letting him know you want both of you to enjoy more satisfying sex at least most of the time. If you have trouble talking about it (most couples do), write him a letter, send him an email, send him a link to this post, or better yet, read a book together.

Here are a few books that I like to recommend:

1. How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget. This book covers the full gamut in a plain speech format. I especially like how she covers the politics between men and women in the bedroom. She is helping men understand us a little better, like, why, for instance, we are worrying about the piles of laundry while he's trying to pleasure us and what he can do about it (fold laundry), such as, help us unwind before sex instead of "diving right in."

2. Satisfaction by Kim Cattrall ("Sam" from Sex in the City fame). This book gives special attention to oral sex technique, with simple illustrations that men can see for themselves "how to do it." When my husband saw these, he said, "Finally! A picture that lets me see what to do!" Read an excerpt os Satisfaction, here.

3. She Comes First by Ian Kerner. Excerpt here. This book presents this rarely promoted but highly useful concept: couples should prioritize the woman's orgasm first. Afterward, he can have his, because, in general, his is easier, and because her prime is pumped and she can have another while he's having his. Because many women are capable of orgasm via penetration alone AFTER they've had their first (or better, multiple) orgasm. And mostly because, as we experienced women know, he falls asleep after his.

This post does not talk about more serious physiological problems that can interfere with healthy sex. Please talk to your doctor, preferably a discussion with Ob-Gyn, to rule out any medical issues. An annual exam is essential for good sexual health.

If there are any topics in this post (or any) you would like me to expand on, please feel free to let me know in your comments or email me at cafeyogurtATgmailDOTcom.

Image enhancements inspired by Mrs. G.