my virgin video

Embedded that is. Html miracles never cease. Thanks to e.beck.artist and motherscribe for their pointers. It was "easy-peasey" once I figured out to dump the embed code in the Edit Html window.

The video: NPR did a piece on Amy Winehouse and the rise of female U.K. singers with a similar sound, aka "The New Amy's". Welsh born Aimee Duffy is kick ass. I was blown away by Syrup & Honey. This girl's got it. I could listen to this all day long. I heard Mercy on my local progressive radio station a few days ago (yay!) so I'm not the only one who thinks so. I hope she makes her way to the states soon. I think its only a matter of time. It goes down as life's finer moments when I hear new music that moves me. The last time I liked someone this much, besides no-rehab-Amy herself, was Patty Griffin. I heard Rain in the car and had a "driveway moment." Sitting in my driveway waiting for the announcer to tell me who she was. I've listened to her for hours on end since.

So here's hoping I'm giving some of you a blog music moment or two.

school bus named desire

I just phoned the husband. Yeah, he's not allowed to call me "the wife" but I can call him "the husband". But to avoid offending the rougher sex, I'll refer to him as my simply amazing man, or Sam. So I was calling Sam from the office, checking to see which of us needs to be home to meet the school bus. Sam informs me that none of our kids will be coming off the bus today. Each has play dates or after school plans. Yeah??!! Really?! How did I miss this rare piece of news? This must be the first time since elementary school that we've have a kid-free afternoon at home. Wooohooooo! No dillydallying in the office for me! My kids are my world, but it sure is nice to enjoy interruption free conversations, not to mention interruption free activities of the nekkid variety.

Which brings me to the larger subject. The effect of kids on marriage. I could go on for a very long time about the joys of being a parent, like the heart sqeeze I still feel when I see them sleeping, the feeling of a family all my own. But I'm not as eloquent as some of the mommy-bloggers I like to read, so I'll spare you the token ode to joy.

Back when my girls were babies, I read that divorce rates skyrocket after having twins, at about the 2-3 year mark. As the months and then years rolled on, it made complete sense. The battle fatique. The endless work - diapers, baths, cleaning dried crust off of high chair tray tables. I still get PTSD when I see those cute pictures of spaghetti faced babies. Add to all this the sleepless nights. Argh, those nights of sneaking under the crib trying to locate the fallen passy, not once or twice, but dozens of times. Sick baby? Be prepared to feel wiped for a week AFTER the baby is healthy. (Goddess love all of you single moms and dads. You've got my lifelong admiration). So there's the physical toll. And of course, nobody is at their most patient or loving when they are under constant physical strain. We connubials turned slave workers suffer from the small, accusing looks, if not angry words flying. The slow burn of resentments, either imagined or earned.

But with tweens, the physical drain has diminished. At this stage, its more about the lack of alone time. Heck, the lack of complete sentences. On the weekdays, the kids are up later and later. On the weekends, they often stay up past mom and dad. And when we do steal a few moments of private conversation? Conversation interruptus. Can't share two comlete thoughts before "Mom!" or "Dad?" or "Hey Mom, I need to print my homework but the printer's not working!"

And so goes married life with pre-teen intimacy siphons. We're no longer gazing lovingly into each other's eyes across the candle lit dinner table. We're co-drill sargents, commanding our kids on proper table manners and polite dinner conversation. No, we don't want to hear about the kid at your lunch table who gagged on his shoelace. By the end of the meal, I'm ready to go into an underground nuclear silo and think very seriously about dialing the ignition code.

So I've resigned myself to the fact that sweet nothings are replaced by curt phone calls signaling the all's clear and get-your-ass-home-NOW. Its not excactly the advice you read about in "keep the romance alive" books but it is the call-to-arms of battle weary parents who need to grab alone time when they can get it.

jagger's swagger

I really want to see Martin Scorsese's Rolling Stones concert movie, Shine a Light playing at Imax (more trailers, here). This could be better than being there, actually. Could be excellent, even. Close ups, bigger than life, select lighting. Aging warriors, they may be, but hey, so am I, sorta.

I loved the Stones since I can first remember. Singing along in the car backseat. Having no clue what kind of satisfaction Mick wasn't getting. Mother's Little Helper? I thought it was a box mix dinner. I was listening to it recently and marveled at Jagger's songwriting ability. To have written about such a sophisticated theme as such a young guy. Even moreso now that I'm helping actual mothers overcome reliance on today's supposed non-addictive equivalents.

In my high school and college years I saw the Stones in Philadelphia, in very large, very packed stadiums. Mick, in all his glory, strutting like a banty rooster, in his lemon yellow football pants and his Eagles jersey, oozing sex and rock and roll, all while draped in the flag (was it USA or Union Jack, or both?) No musical performance since has compared to the thrill of Jagger's total package.

This was in the age of Some Girls (I've kept original jacket with Monroe on the cover) and Tattoo You - my friends and I lived and breathed those two. No keg party was over until we were all up dancing to Beast of Burden, Miss You, Start Me Up, Shattered. I can't hear Shoo Shadoobie without breaking into a smile.

A long time ago I read a piece about the Stones that quoted a groupie who said something like, "being in bed with Mick Jagger is nothing like being in bed with Mick Jagger." The man didn't live up to the myth, apparently, or more likely, the fantasy. The quote has stuck with me. That what you see on stage and in print is an image, a mirage, and no human being, in bed or out, can approach such a loaded fantasy. Small consolation for never having a shot at him myself, huh?

I'm preparing myself for the fact that Shine won't hold a candle to those performances in the 70's and 80's. No expectations of the same level of musical greatness. Just hoping I'm not too disappointed. Either way, the Stones are still amazing, given their longevity, given that they are still alive after all that hard living. So I hope to enjoy the film, a final revel in Jagger's swagger and Keith Richard's grinding guitar riffs. I want to feel a little of that old thrill, and then go home and appreciate the normalcy and real offerings of family life (yeah, rrrrrrright!)

love by any other gender

smells as sweet.

Take a look at the video (below) of a photo montage.

I don't know how to imbed videos (un-doable on this blog host?) so a link will have to suffice.

This photo montage asks, What's the Difference?

Thanks to Dr. Deb for sharing this video on her blog.

the lowdown on D

Lately I've been fascinated by recent findings associated with the health benefits of Vitamin D. Called the "sunshine vitamin," it needs sunlight to do its magic. Most of us know that D plays a role in bone health, "milk for strong bones." (Vitamin D is not easy to get in foods which is why milk is fortified with it.) But evidence has been steadily emerging to tell us that D helps keep our immune system functioning properly and may help prevent the growth of cancer cells, too.

Now that we're all convinced sunlight is the equivalent of the modern day antichrist when it comes to the skin cancer prevention, we may have swung the pendulum too far. Less sunshine, less risk of skin cancer, yes, but too little sunshine and we have a greater risk of developing other types of cancers: breast and colon, for example. Autoimmune disorders may result from too little sunshine as well, such as multiple sclerosis and diabetes.

Sunlight and Vitamin D may play a role in depression as well. Seasonal Affect Disorder, or SAD, is believed to occur when people get too little sunshine. It is especially prevalent in places like Alaska and Seattle. I believe my own depression was related to getting too little sun. I belong to a gym and for years got my primary workouts indoors. A few years ago, however, I went back to playing tennis (after long hiatus). My indoor gym workouts were replaced by sunshine supplemented workouts. Very quickly I found myself feeling much better: more energy, better moods, improved sleep patterns. I may not be getting the same quality workout, but I feel better and that quickly became more important to ME and my everyday functioning.

SAD experts recommend 15-30 minutes of exposure to sunlight daily as a natural "antidepressant." Take a morning walk, sit outside and read the paper or take your work break outside. Make it a part of your daily routine, for sunshine's sake. For a more detailed look at SAD, read here.

The Harvard School of Public Health's Nutrition Department publishes The Nutrition Source, a website talking about various health and nutrition topics. If you want to read more on Vitamin D, here is a good place to start. Their overview of guidelines and good stuff found in multi-vitamins can be read here.

And one more healthful offering: Oprah's experts, Drs. Oz and Roizen, put together an antiaging checklist which includes the recommendation to take 1000 units of D daily to keep us looking and feeling young. Dr. Oz was mentioned in a comment by Jeanne of knitresolution blogfame, sharing that he recommends splitting multi-vitamins and taking half in the morning and half in the evening to get maximum benefits.

supplements for suppleminds

I'm a fan of nutritional supplements. Each morning my bathroom vanity is populated by a colorful array of tablets and capsules ready to be gulped down with my morning glass of water. Breakfast first, as many vitamins and supplements don't work as well on an empty stomach. But which ones need to be taken on a full stomach and which ones work better on an empty stomach?

Figuring this out and which supplements to take for what problem often involves winding through a maze of internet sites. I want reputable, research based advice. I want to avoid unreliable claims from commercial sites, for example, that are trying to sell their product. I want to know what supplements have been researched and what the research says.

The University of Maryland Medical Center's Complementary and Alternative Medicine Index is a great resource that covers all the essential bases. Here you can browse specific supplements and herbs and find out how to take them, for what purpose, and at what recommended dose. Or you can start with a particular condition, such as Depression, and read about recommended nutritional strategies and alternative treatments (St John's Wort, for example). Supporting research references from peer reviewed journals are listed as well as potential complications and interactions with medications.

So what are some of my daily supplement choices? A multi-Vitamin for the broad spectrum approach. A B-complex for general life stress. Magnesium glycinate for the prevention of osteoporosis (my grandmother had it) and as a wind-down-to-sleep aid. Melatonin on nights when I have trouble falling asleep because my sleep cycle has been irregular (my preferred cure for "sunday night insommnia"). Fish oil for Omega-3 Fatty Acids because, as the UMM site tells me,

"Extensive research indicates that omega-3 fatty acids reduce inflammation and help prevent risk factors associated with chronic diseases such as heart disease, cancer, and arthritis. These essential fatty acids are highly concentrated in the brain and appear to be particularly important for cognitive (brain memory and performance) and behavioral function. In fact, infants who do not get enough omega-3 fatty acids from their mothers during pregnancy are at risk for developing vision and nerve problems. Symptoms of omega-3 fatty acid deficiency include extreme tiredness (fatigue), poor memory, dry skin, heart problems, mood swings or depression, and poor circulation."

So what are your favorite nutritional supplements and why? Any preferred sites for researching alternative medicine?

feeling prickly

for a prickly pear cactus margarita ... and with a little luck I'll be drinking one on the Riverwalk tomorrow. 87 degrees expected temps. I can feel that icy liquid already... Slurrrrrrrrrrrp!

because one is never enough

Feeling the sunshine on my skin, having such beautiful nature around me, watching my kids play and explore, these are all a small slice of heaven in their own right. But.. having my kids playing far enough away from me that I can't hear "Mom! .. Mom! ... Mom !!!" Now, that, by goddess, is NIRVANA.

if spring break could last til summer

this is where I'd be sitting. from now til june. in a cold spring fed river. searching for the perfect skipping stones. but spring break does not last til summer and i will have to content myself with a picture on my blog. sigh.

she doesn't look back

If you're an art lover, especially the kind you can wear, you will want to enter a fun contest and explore a couple of cool, artsy blogs. You could win a cool pendant, too. Start here at ebeckartist's blog. "e" will instruct you to view some fun artwork and pick your favorite saying from her friend allison's etsy site. My favorite was the forward looking little, star studded birdie, titled, "she doesn't look back." What's yours? Post it back here, too.

four horsemen of marriage

One book I really, really like to recommend for couples, one that has helped me in my marriage, probably more than any other, one that my husband buys into (important) is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD. It's very easy to understand. He uses very common everyday speak. Its largely research / outcome /evidence based advice (instead of touchy feely abstract unituitive bullshit that leaves readers feeling good after they finish but without any explicit tools to apply to their relationship to have any true lasting impact). The book deals quite a bit with anger and how the degree of anger can negatively impact a marriage, whether its externalized - such as yelling, stomping, having an affair; or internalized - stewing, turning away, silent treatment, self blame, martyrdom.

The portion in the book I refer to most often and use myself are the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" -- four things to strive daily to eliminate from your relationship:

1. criticism (i was a big abuser of this one, dh never criticized me, but I frequently would phrase things in a way that clearly says he is defective in this or that way, instead of phrasing it that i wish he would do this instead, or I would like it if we did this or that)
2. contempt (again, moi, always saying things with a shitty tone)
3. defensiveness (dh -- super defensive, no matter what I brought up he had an over reaction and we got lost in defending and counter defending)
4. stonewalling (shutting down verbally, refusing to talk, walking out or storming out, staying gone... again, hubby's schtick, he never wanted to talk about ANYTHING that smells of conflict)

Gottman has been doing research on marriages for more than twenty years, looking at what helps marriage last and what is associated with divorce. He's been able to predict what factors are most likely to bring a couple to divorce court and excessive anger is one at the top of the list. Myself, coming from a family with a lot of anger, I was often looking for validation that anger is healthy, anger is good to express. This book cut right through my justifications and helped me prioritize expressing my wants and preferences instead of my discontent. It helped show dh that disagreement is healthy. In fact, Gottman points out that marriage with the least amount of conflict are also at risk. Conflict is natural. Communicating in a healthy way isn't always natural and easy. In a world full of marriage books, this one is a keeper.

spring back to energy savings

I'm ambivalent about daylight savings. I love the longer daylight in the summer months but I despise dark mornings. I love that extra hour in the fall, dread losing an hour of sleep in the spring. But, I embrace the good, tolerate the bad. I figure the government hacks know what they're doing, right? Wrong. Maybe.

I grew up with the idea that daylight savings was prompted to help the farmers get their work done. Nope. Energy conservation. The idea being we will all be outside more in the evening hours, turning on fewer lights. But a recent study done in the state of Indiana suggests the opposite. Why Indiana? Because until 2005 it was a county by county thing. Some counties abided by daylight savings, others didn't. (Now I get why they're called Hoosiers: Hoo let THAT happen?) The study found that post-daylight savings uniformity, Hoosiers used MORE energy than they did when they weren't turning their clocks back. Confused? Read about it here. Basically, heating and cooling seems to be the culprit. We're supposed to be outside in the evening hours enjoying the extra daylight, right? But it turns out we're still inside sucking up more AC longer. Who woulda thunk? And in those dark mornings, we're turning up the heat to keep warm.

So my ambivalence meter has taken a shift toward the bah humbug side of the daylight savings debate. Back to the whimsical period when we didn't have to go around changing every single timepiece in the house and office, when we didn't miss a plane because we forgot to change our clocks, when we didn't have a convenient excuse for why we're late two monday mornings each year, when our sleep/wake cycles remained undisturbed. And think - we may never have a need to fiddle with that pesky digital display on our dashboards again! Yeah, I can go for that.

women helping women

Inspiring. A program run by women for women, single moms receive training and job placement in higher paying and male dominated skills such as welding, pipe fitting, and copy machine repair. Where indicated, they receive psychological counseling. Better yet, supportive friendships are forged among these struggling moms so that they have each other to lean on. Read about it here. Or visit their website, Climb Wyoming. And thanks to my friend M for sending the link.

as ohio goes

so goes the nation?

A-O Way to Go Ohio!

Its up to you, now, Texas!

wanna play?

My kids spend endless hours playing outside. Some of their favorites are playing house, fort, school, library, cheerleading camp, village, and even "homeless village." For their younger years, we bucked the mainstream trend of signing our kids up for organized activities. No soccer mom, I. I don't like soccer, for starters. But I do like sports and there are plenty of alternative organized sports for kids starting at the preschool age.

Somewhere along the way, I remember learning that unstructured, imaginative free play is vital to helping kids develop the kinds of skills that make for a more successful, happy child. And that too many structured activities interfere with the development of these skills. Impulse control being one.

Another thing I have noticed: kids don't seem to get together on their own and play pick-up games much anymore. If there isn't an adult blowing a whistle, telling them when and how to play, they aren't playing, apparently. I've come to believe that the overreliance on kid activities governed by adults leads to kids who can't seem to break out of their shell and play on their own. Kids playing by themselves helps develop leadership and conflict resolution skills, for example. It isn't just organized sports, by the way. Its "mommy and me" music, swimming, gym class... the list goes on.

This week there has been a series on National Public Radio discussing the merits of unstructured free play. Its worth checking out. Especially if you are the parent of a preschooler and are staring at a sign up sheet wondering if this is really how you want your little Maggie to spend her free time (and yours), check it out here.

will texas vote this clinton to the white house?

With primaries held in March, Texas doesn't often get a chance to help decide presidential contenders. The last time the democratic primaries reached Texas was 1992 when it was the other Clinton who won the most delegates on his way to the White House. But as Austin's Ruth Pennebaker tells us, Texas is Back! And Ohio. And Pennsylvania. Its great to see the democratic process play out in states besides Iowa and New Hampshire (whose entire state population is nearly half that of Houston). Another little known factoid, Texas Democrats get to vote twice in the primaries. Once at the regular primaries and again as a caucus vote. Texas state senate districts that had more overall votes for the last Democratic contender (last election it was John Kerry) get more delegates than districts who, for example, cast more delegate votes for a Republican. So Clinton and Obama are lobbying hard for districts who came out heavily in support of Democrats in recent elections.

But forget Texas for a minute. What's the most exciting thing happening in these primaries is witnessing the hard push for the votes of women, blacks and hispanics. No matter if Clinton or Obama wins, its the minorites who will have played such a big role in getting them there. The minority vote is a force to be reckoned with!

fat rats

I keep hearing there's a study out there which suggests diet drinks make us fat. Since I'm so excited about crossing off yet another pleasure food from my ever shrinking list, I went looking for the study. It was conducted at Purdue University by two diet soda addicts, I presume: Susan Swithers and Terry Davidson. Rats were fed Dannon yogurt (my favorite brand!) that was sweetened with either sugar or saccharin. Swithers and Davidson concluded that rats who received artificial sweetner consumed more calories and gained more weight (and yes, body fat) than the rats who received sugar. Their study also found that the diet food rats showed "blunted thermic responses to sweet-tasting diets." So the dieting rats' metabolic processes under responded to the saccharin making them eat more of the real calories later. So there it is. Saccharin is not my friend. Body fat wins yet again. Argh! You can read it and weep for yourself, here.

12 reasons

12 Reasons Same-Sex Marriage will Ruin Society

(as seen on Gator Gay-Straight Alliance)

Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

fear of flying?

Today I received an email from yet another feminst friend of mine who is an Obama supporter. Someone whose opinion I value. Someone who I was counting on to vote for Hillary. What is going on? Do some Obamers suffer from a fear of flying? Fear of supporting Hillary Clinton, the woman, argueably the single most qualified candidate in the presidential race? Fear that the conjurers of the right wing spin are right? Fear that she can't possibly win because the Hillary Haters will come out in force on election day but will stay home if Obama is on the ballot? I have considered jumping to the Obama camp for this reason. But if everyone voted out of this kind of fear, we'd continually be nominating not the best qualified candidate, but the least likely to lose. Is that who we want in the highest office?

Maybe Obamers fear that Hillary has drifted too far to the center, strayed from her liberal roots. But center-drift is the necessary evil of building bipartisanshp and a successful career in Washington. It doesn't mean she isn't still striving for significant, progressive change. She's just going about it in the slower, conventional way.

More often, though, I think Obamers are riding on the prospect that this promising and largely untested young senator will catapult above the political fray and be the champion of sweeping changes. I have considered this arguement too. And maybe. I hope so too. But I really doubt it. The same was hoped for Jimmy Carter, newcomer to Washington, and look how his four years turned out. Maybe that's why Obama has so many young supporters. They don't remember Carter's humiliating defeats. They only remember Hillary's humiliating defeats, when the young Clintons-Came-To-Washington and bungled health care reform.

So when I learn that another of my feminist friends are supporting the largely untested, albeit inspiring Obama, I'm first shocked, then disappointed, then sad. Come on! This is Hillary! The no-cookie-baking-no-stand-by-her-man-no-retreat-to-humiliated-oblivion-after-bimbo-chasing-husband-humiliates-me Hillary. Yeah, Obama can make moving speeches, but he hasn't DONE much to earn our trust. Ok, he didn't vote FOR the war in Iraq, but how could he? He wasn't there. He wasn't under the gun. He didn't see the (cherry-picked) intelligence. He and Hillary have voted similarly on Iraq related votes since. He has abstained from tough votes, such as the Iranian-Revolutionary-Guard-as-Terrorist vote, only to later criticize Hillary for hers. Do I smell a weasel?

Back to the feminist vote. Yesterday I read bestselling contemporary author and acclaimed feminist, Erica Jong's opinion piece in the Washington Post supporting Hillary Clinton (read it here). Giant relief. Vindication. Joy! Her finishing arguement tells me this feminist has no fear of flying:

"I understand my hopeful friends who think an Obama button will change America. But I'm sticking with Hillary. I trust her because all her life, her pro bono work has been for mothers and children. And mothers and children -- of all colors -- are the most oppressed group in our country. I trust her to speak for our children and grandchildren -- and for us. She always has. "

Right on, Ms. Jong, and Halleh-zipless-fuck-ing-lulia!

stay at home depression

Years ago, when I found out I would have three children under the age of three, I decided to resign from my agency job, stay home with my kids and gradually transition to private practice. I was nervous but excited. I was going to be a stay at home mom, something I had never planned on. I savored the idea of devoting myself to my kids, free from the distractions of working outside the home, at least for a while. Living on one income, we had to scale back on discretionary expenses. We fired our cleaning lady and ate fewer meals out. One day, knee deep in dirty diapers and even dirtier high chair trays, I had a depressing thought: As a sahm I felt like a glorified maid. Yes, I was home raising my kids but I was spending most of my time doing laundry, cleaning house, washing bottles, and preparing food. How tedious it was to dice grapes for three kids! And how I dreaded cleaning those dried up and crusted over high chair trays! I loved the time with my kids and I'm glad I had that time with them, but I found that the joys were often outweighed by the burden of the daily chores. I had never liked house cleaning and the more kids I had to clean up after, the less I liked it. When potty training was in full swing? I found I had sunk to an all new energy low. I was clinically depressed and reached for help. Now, years later, back to work in a hectic but thriving practice, I've never felt better. I still find cleaning up after my kids unpleasant but now I have the satisfaction of a work life to add balance.

These sahm years came rushing back, in a rather tongue in cheek backward glance, when I read the summary of a recent study by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. You can also read a summary here. This survey looked at rates of depression among various occupations. Major depression was reported most frequently in the following four types of jobs: Personal Care and Service, Food Prep and Serving, Social Services, and Health Care. Yep, that about covered it.

This isn't to say, of course, that there aren't plenty of moms (and dads) who feel great being a sah parent. More power to them. But for me, it wasn't a good fit. I was happier working and I believe my kids are better for it, too.