SEXIEST PERSONS ALIVE

Sunday, October 12, 2008

aggie loss, my gain


It was an extremely tension filled moment. One might say agonizing. The Aggies were playing Kansas State University at Kyle Field with 78,000 fans packed in. We were down 20 points, late in the 3rd quarter. The spectators sitting next to us, a white haired man and his young granddaughter, had already left in disgust, leaving behind a half eaten bag of M&M Peanuts. Or so we thought. I moved my seat over, giving us remaining fans more room.

SAM and I had come to the game armed only with our water bottles, determined not to spend a small fortune on overpriced stadium refreshments. No snacks for us. No sireebob.


I had moved my seat over, in order to make more room for the fans on the other side of us. This is when I spied the abandoned M&Ms.They proved too much of a temptation, this perfect compromise to our "no snack" rule. On impulse, I went for the quarterback sneak. I leaned over like I was picking up my water bottle. But no, I scooped up the remaining M&Ms instead.


SAM and I laughed. Look at us. Two dumpster divers chomping away on a small child's throwaways. Unlike the Fighting Texas Aggies, we had no pride. We polished off that bag in no time.


Early in the 4th quarter, to my great vexation, the grandpa and his unsuspecting granddaughter returned. Oh no, I thought. Where is the empty bag? Where is the evidence of my thievery? What will I do if she asks, "Papaw, where's my candy?!" And the fact that I had moved my seat over. I was the likely perpetrator. The old man will know.


And then I remembered. M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


I signaled my husband into conspiratorial silence.


The little girl started to look under her seat. Grandpa began looking under his seat, too. And mine.


I thought I heard the man mention the Aggie program. Which was under SAM's seat. We handed it over, apologizing for having usurped the program in his absence. Looks of mock honesty on our faces. Hoping this was, indeed, what they were searching for.


But no. Grandpa offered to let us have the program. "I've got another one."


"Thanks" we both said in unison, a little too enthusiastically for the size of the gesture, our anxiety returning over the fate of the missing bag of candy.


The best defense is a good offense, I decided. Divert their attention back to the game. SAM and I shouted out encouragement to the Ags. DEFENSE, AGGIES!!! HOLD 'EM!!!


But my peripheral vision, growing ever more acute, was eyeing the small child as she haphazardly rooted under the seats.


The Wildcats were about to score. Grandpa pacified her restlessness, "We'll leave after Kansas scores this touchdown."


Score, I thought. Score and get it over with.




And score they did. Putting the Aggies deeper into their hole.


But I was relieved. Piece of shit fan that I was. Piece of shit human being who steals candy from a baby.


I watched Grandpa and the little girl exit the aisle. For good this time. I was spared.


The Aggies lost 44-30. But who cares. My dastardly deed went undiscovered.


She didn't need the rest of those M&Ms anyway. Bad for her teeth. Right?


13 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

oooh, nothing like VICTORY. if you know what I mean.

phd in yogurtry said...

vodka mom -- an essential victory, a face saving one.

dkuroiwa said...

Oh Man...I was seriously starting to sweat there for a minute...I don't know what you look like, so I was picturing me and my husband (George Clooney..hey, it's MY imagination!!) in the story. "dumpster divin'" at a foot ball game!! funny.
Hook 'em horns!

phd in yogurtry said...

dkuroiwa -- ooh, lucky for you I'm used to hearing that : )

dkuroiwa said...

oh and by the way...I DO know that the "hook 'em horns" is for the Longhorns and NOT the Aggies...I just couldn't think of what to say for them....other than starting a really bad joke!! :-D
(My cousin played for the 'Horns many many years ago....I've been brainwashed!!)
Have a good evening!!

phd in yogurtry said...

dkuroiwa -- I won't hold it against you, some of my best friends are horns : )

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm impressed you could keep a straight face--I think I would have been busted.

Hip Mom's Guide said...

OH! I'm quite sure Grandpa bought her a treat on the way home...right?! Very funny. Too tempting, for sure.

apathy lounge said...

I've got a picture on my blog from the end of that disastrous game. No M&Ms for us. Just lots of water in warm Nagene containers and general feelings of disgust. Can't believe we were in the same stadium at the same time. I would TOTALLY have met you for a beer.

JCK said...

What would your therapist say? haahaha

This is hilarious.

phd in yogurtry said...

jenn -- I just kept my eyes on the field. Amazing how fascinating the field is between downs, when it needs to be.


apathy -- next time for sure!

jck -- not sure that little morsel would have made it to the couch. bigger fish to fry.

AnnD said...

I'm sorry! I can't stop laughing!!! That's the funniest thing I've read in a looong time! It could have been worse, they could have asked you directly if you had seen the M&M's, which would have forced you to admit the truth or lie to a child. Or, they could have returned to see you and SAM munching on the M&M's...which would have made for an even more interesting blog! But, I'm on your side. Who leaves a bag of M&M's completely unattended with tens of thousands of people?! They had it coming!

phd in yogurtry said...

ann d -- I really did think they had left. They were gone a long time. I'm still not convinced they were looking for the M&Ms. Noone ever mentioned candy or the "M" word. At least, this is how I sleep nights.