if spring break could last til summer

this is where I'd be sitting. from now til june. in a cold spring fed river. searching for the perfect skipping stones. but spring break does not last til summer and i will have to content myself with a picture on my blog. sigh.

she doesn't look back

If you're an art lover, especially the kind you can wear, you will want to enter a fun contest and explore a couple of cool, artsy blogs. You could win a cool pendant, too. Start here at ebeckartist's blog. "e" will instruct you to view some fun artwork and pick your favorite saying from her friend allison's etsy site. My favorite was the forward looking little, star studded birdie, titled, "she doesn't look back." What's yours? Post it back here, too.

four horsemen of marriage

One book I really, really like to recommend for couples, one that has helped me in my marriage, probably more than any other, one that my husband buys into (important) is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD. It's very easy to understand. He uses very common everyday speak. Its largely research / outcome /evidence based advice (instead of touchy feely abstract unituitive bullshit that leaves readers feeling good after they finish but without any explicit tools to apply to their relationship to have any true lasting impact). The book deals quite a bit with anger and how the degree of anger can negatively impact a marriage, whether its externalized - such as yelling, stomping, having an affair; or internalized - stewing, turning away, silent treatment, self blame, martyrdom.

The portion in the book I refer to most often and use myself are the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" -- four things to strive daily to eliminate from your relationship:

1. criticism (i was a big abuser of this one, dh never criticized me, but I frequently would phrase things in a way that clearly says he is defective in this or that way, instead of phrasing it that i wish he would do this instead, or I would like it if we did this or that)
2. contempt (again, moi, always saying things with a shitty tone)
3. defensiveness (dh -- super defensive, no matter what I brought up he had an over reaction and we got lost in defending and counter defending)
4. stonewalling (shutting down verbally, refusing to talk, walking out or storming out, staying gone... again, hubby's schtick, he never wanted to talk about ANYTHING that smells of conflict)

Gottman has been doing research on marriages for more than twenty years, looking at what helps marriage last and what is associated with divorce. He's been able to predict what factors are most likely to bring a couple to divorce court and excessive anger is one at the top of the list. Myself, coming from a family with a lot of anger, I was often looking for validation that anger is healthy, anger is good to express. This book cut right through my justifications and helped me prioritize expressing my wants and preferences instead of my discontent. It helped show dh that disagreement is healthy. In fact, Gottman points out that marriage with the least amount of conflict are also at risk. Conflict is natural. Communicating in a healthy way isn't always natural and easy. In a world full of marriage books, this one is a keeper.

spring back to energy savings

I'm ambivalent about daylight savings. I love the longer daylight in the summer months but I despise dark mornings. I love that extra hour in the fall, dread losing an hour of sleep in the spring. But, I embrace the good, tolerate the bad. I figure the government hacks know what they're doing, right? Wrong. Maybe.

I grew up with the idea that daylight savings was prompted to help the farmers get their work done. Nope. Energy conservation. The idea being we will all be outside more in the evening hours, turning on fewer lights. But a recent study done in the state of Indiana suggests the opposite. Why Indiana? Because until 2005 it was a county by county thing. Some counties abided by daylight savings, others didn't. (Now I get why they're called Hoosiers: Hoo let THAT happen?) The study found that post-daylight savings uniformity, Hoosiers used MORE energy than they did when they weren't turning their clocks back. Confused? Read about it here. Basically, heating and cooling seems to be the culprit. We're supposed to be outside in the evening hours enjoying the extra daylight, right? But it turns out we're still inside sucking up more AC longer. Who woulda thunk? And in those dark mornings, we're turning up the heat to keep warm.

So my ambivalence meter has taken a shift toward the bah humbug side of the daylight savings debate. Back to the whimsical period when we didn't have to go around changing every single timepiece in the house and office, when we didn't miss a plane because we forgot to change our clocks, when we didn't have a convenient excuse for why we're late two monday mornings each year, when our sleep/wake cycles remained undisturbed. And think - we may never have a need to fiddle with that pesky digital display on our dashboards again! Yeah, I can go for that.

women helping women

Inspiring. A program run by women for women, single moms receive training and job placement in higher paying and male dominated skills such as welding, pipe fitting, and copy machine repair. Where indicated, they receive psychological counseling. Better yet, supportive friendships are forged among these struggling moms so that they have each other to lean on. Read about it here. Or visit their website, Climb Wyoming. And thanks to my friend M for sending the link.

as ohio goes

so goes the nation?

A-O Way to Go Ohio!

Its up to you, now, Texas!

wanna play?

My kids spend endless hours playing outside. Some of their favorites are playing house, fort, school, library, cheerleading camp, village, and even "homeless village." For their younger years, we bucked the mainstream trend of signing our kids up for organized activities. No soccer mom, I. I don't like soccer, for starters. But I do like sports and there are plenty of alternative organized sports for kids starting at the preschool age.

Somewhere along the way, I remember learning that unstructured, imaginative free play is vital to helping kids develop the kinds of skills that make for a more successful, happy child. And that too many structured activities interfere with the development of these skills. Impulse control being one.

Another thing I have noticed: kids don't seem to get together on their own and play pick-up games much anymore. If there isn't an adult blowing a whistle, telling them when and how to play, they aren't playing, apparently. I've come to believe that the overreliance on kid activities governed by adults leads to kids who can't seem to break out of their shell and play on their own. Kids playing by themselves helps develop leadership and conflict resolution skills, for example. It isn't just organized sports, by the way. Its "mommy and me" music, swimming, gym class... the list goes on.

This week there has been a series on National Public Radio discussing the merits of unstructured free play. Its worth checking out. Especially if you are the parent of a preschooler and are staring at a sign up sheet wondering if this is really how you want your little Maggie to spend her free time (and yours), check it out here.

will texas vote this clinton to the white house?

With primaries held in March, Texas doesn't often get a chance to help decide presidential contenders. The last time the democratic primaries reached Texas was 1992 when it was the other Clinton who won the most delegates on his way to the White House. But as Austin's Ruth Pennebaker tells us, Texas is Back! And Ohio. And Pennsylvania. Its great to see the democratic process play out in states besides Iowa and New Hampshire (whose entire state population is nearly half that of Houston). Another little known factoid, Texas Democrats get to vote twice in the primaries. Once at the regular primaries and again as a caucus vote. Texas state senate districts that had more overall votes for the last Democratic contender (last election it was John Kerry) get more delegates than districts who, for example, cast more delegate votes for a Republican. So Clinton and Obama are lobbying hard for districts who came out heavily in support of Democrats in recent elections.

But forget Texas for a minute. What's the most exciting thing happening in these primaries is witnessing the hard push for the votes of women, blacks and hispanics. No matter if Clinton or Obama wins, its the minorites who will have played such a big role in getting them there. The minority vote is a force to be reckoned with!

fat rats

I keep hearing there's a study out there which suggests diet drinks make us fat. Since I'm so excited about crossing off yet another pleasure food from my ever shrinking list, I went looking for the study. It was conducted at Purdue University by two diet soda addicts, I presume: Susan Swithers and Terry Davidson. Rats were fed Dannon yogurt (my favorite brand!) that was sweetened with either sugar or saccharin. Swithers and Davidson concluded that rats who received artificial sweetner consumed more calories and gained more weight (and yes, body fat) than the rats who received sugar. Their study also found that the diet food rats showed "blunted thermic responses to sweet-tasting diets." So the dieting rats' metabolic processes under responded to the saccharin making them eat more of the real calories later. So there it is. Saccharin is not my friend. Body fat wins yet again. Argh! You can read it and weep for yourself, here.

12 reasons

12 Reasons Same-Sex Marriage will Ruin Society

(as seen on Gator Gay-Straight Alliance)

Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

fear of flying?

Today I received an email from yet another feminst friend of mine who is an Obama supporter. Someone whose opinion I value. Someone who I was counting on to vote for Hillary. What is going on? Do some Obamers suffer from a fear of flying? Fear of supporting Hillary Clinton, the woman, argueably the single most qualified candidate in the presidential race? Fear that the conjurers of the right wing spin are right? Fear that she can't possibly win because the Hillary Haters will come out in force on election day but will stay home if Obama is on the ballot? I have considered jumping to the Obama camp for this reason. But if everyone voted out of this kind of fear, we'd continually be nominating not the best qualified candidate, but the least likely to lose. Is that who we want in the highest office?

Maybe Obamers fear that Hillary has drifted too far to the center, strayed from her liberal roots. But center-drift is the necessary evil of building bipartisanshp and a successful career in Washington. It doesn't mean she isn't still striving for significant, progressive change. She's just going about it in the slower, conventional way.

More often, though, I think Obamers are riding on the prospect that this promising and largely untested young senator will catapult above the political fray and be the champion of sweeping changes. I have considered this arguement too. And maybe. I hope so too. But I really doubt it. The same was hoped for Jimmy Carter, newcomer to Washington, and look how his four years turned out. Maybe that's why Obama has so many young supporters. They don't remember Carter's humiliating defeats. They only remember Hillary's humiliating defeats, when the young Clintons-Came-To-Washington and bungled health care reform.

So when I learn that another of my feminist friends are supporting the largely untested, albeit inspiring Obama, I'm first shocked, then disappointed, then sad. Come on! This is Hillary! The no-cookie-baking-no-stand-by-her-man-no-retreat-to-humiliated-oblivion-after-bimbo-chasing-husband-humiliates-me Hillary. Yeah, Obama can make moving speeches, but he hasn't DONE much to earn our trust. Ok, he didn't vote FOR the war in Iraq, but how could he? He wasn't there. He wasn't under the gun. He didn't see the (cherry-picked) intelligence. He and Hillary have voted similarly on Iraq related votes since. He has abstained from tough votes, such as the Iranian-Revolutionary-Guard-as-Terrorist vote, only to later criticize Hillary for hers. Do I smell a weasel?

Back to the feminist vote. Yesterday I read bestselling contemporary author and acclaimed feminist, Erica Jong's opinion piece in the Washington Post supporting Hillary Clinton (read it here). Giant relief. Vindication. Joy! Her finishing arguement tells me this feminist has no fear of flying:

"I understand my hopeful friends who think an Obama button will change America. But I'm sticking with Hillary. I trust her because all her life, her pro bono work has been for mothers and children. And mothers and children -- of all colors -- are the most oppressed group in our country. I trust her to speak for our children and grandchildren -- and for us. She always has. "

Right on, Ms. Jong, and Halleh-zipless-fuck-ing-lulia!

stay at home depression

Years ago, when I found out I would have three children under the age of three, I decided to resign from my agency job, stay home with my kids and gradually transition to private practice. I was nervous but excited. I was going to be a stay at home mom, something I had never planned on. I savored the idea of devoting myself to my kids, free from the distractions of working outside the home, at least for a while. Living on one income, we had to scale back on discretionary expenses. We fired our cleaning lady and ate fewer meals out. One day, knee deep in dirty diapers and even dirtier high chair trays, I had a depressing thought: As a sahm I felt like a glorified maid. Yes, I was home raising my kids but I was spending most of my time doing laundry, cleaning house, washing bottles, and preparing food. How tedious it was to dice grapes for three kids! And how I dreaded cleaning those dried up and crusted over high chair trays! I loved the time with my kids and I'm glad I had that time with them, but I found that the joys were often outweighed by the burden of the daily chores. I had never liked house cleaning and the more kids I had to clean up after, the less I liked it. When potty training was in full swing? I found I had sunk to an all new energy low. I was clinically depressed and reached for help. Now, years later, back to work in a hectic but thriving practice, I've never felt better. I still find cleaning up after my kids unpleasant but now I have the satisfaction of a work life to add balance.

These sahm years came rushing back, in a rather tongue in cheek backward glance, when I read the summary of a recent study by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. You can also read a summary here. This survey looked at rates of depression among various occupations. Major depression was reported most frequently in the following four types of jobs: Personal Care and Service, Food Prep and Serving, Social Services, and Health Care. Yep, that about covered it.

This isn't to say, of course, that there aren't plenty of moms (and dads) who feel great being a sah parent. More power to them. But for me, it wasn't a good fit. I was happier working and I believe my kids are better for it, too.

because its friday

I am Tweety. I am cute, and everyone loves me. I am a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. I never hurt feelings and seldom have my own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. I am witty and calm most of the time. If I just keep clear of back stabbers, I am worry-free.

Get your two-minute psychologicartoon profile here. Thanks to the faithful penguin for showing the way.

doing taxes made a little easier...

...with the right music running in the background. Thought I'd share the online music "radio station," Pandora. I don't know how I lived without it. You plug in your favorite artist or your favorite tune. Pandora does the rest. Plays a few songs by your favorite artist then searches for like-sounding tunes, music with the same tonality and tempo. Most of the time I hear artists I've never heard before so its fresh. And I've got a "CDs to Buy" list going. No obligation to buy anything, by the way. You can mix up the artists on one "station" (chosen by you). Right now I'm listening to my Beth Orton / Allison Krauss combo. And at this very moment a new favorite (thanks to Pandora), Deb Talon. It allows you to nix tunes you're not fond of -- you won't have to listen to that one again. And best of all, no commercials. Life is good. Now back to the taxes.

are you a closet homophobe?

Think you are free from negative biases? Believe you make no distinction between gay/straight, fat/skinny, old/young, or dark/light skin? Want to test that? Go to Harvard's Project Implicit here and take a simple 5-minute demo test to see if you are honest with yourself or others about your conscious or unconscious biases.

we're not in new hampshire anymore

Just saw blurb on CNN that the New York Times has endorsed Hillary.

You go girl!

And here's to the voters of the low country. We're watching and waiting.

bush: liar in chief

Ever wondered how many lies were told by the Bushies in their drumbeat to the Iraq war? The Center for Public Integrity did and took on the tedious task of counting them. Charles Lewis and Mark Reading-Smith logged in 935 false statements told by G. W. Bush and his officials (Cheney, Condi, Rummy, et. al.) for the two years following 9/11. Lies about Iraq and Saddam's regime, weapons of mass destruction and ties to Al Quaeda. Read the report here. And check out this photo montage of Bush comprised of, well, assholes.

favorite so far

remember to remember

How often have you had the thought, "Do I remember that time I was four or do I only remember the picture?" These kinds of doubts, was it real or was it kodak, have increased exponentially over the years, leaving me to assume that its simply the corrosive aspects of aging. Neuroscientist, Joseph Ledoux, however, offers an intriquing explanation of memory that helps explain this phenonemon. Most of us think that memory is something stored and then later accessed as needed. Like a dresser drawer with clothes, say. We open the drawer, wear the shirt, then put it back until we need it next time. However, Ledoux talks about a lab study indicating that each time a memory is pulled into conscious awareness, "it has to be restored as a new memory in order to be accessible later. The old memory is either not there or is inaccessible. In short, your memory about something is only as good as your last memory about something."

So when you're looking through the photo album and you "remember" wearing those pajamas, jumping on that bed, you only retain that which you remember via the photograph. All of the "real" memories, not captured by camera (laughing, the bed squeaking, mother's perfume) get replaced by the single snapshot.

Unless, I assume, we put the picture down and allow our minds to recall those fuller details, allowing the rich tapestry of our "real" memory to go back into the memory capsule.

This new concept of memory suggests there's a distinctly negative side to taking so many still life and video pictures. One the one hand, we see a picture and are "reminded." But on the other hand, our ability to once again retrieve the fullness of that memory becomes short-circuited. Something to think about the next time you're looking through the photo album.

mature audiences

<<“Everyone wants to read about sex!” Lucia Perillo writes in her essay in “Do Me,” an eclectic literary anthology dedicated to sex in all its glorious — and not so glorious — iterations.>>

This opening sentence of a recent NYTimes book review reminds me why I started this blog. Well, one of the reasons. I was searching for blogs with frank and mature discussions about sexuality. Not mature, as in, "for mature audiences only" but mature, as in, intelligent, informed and oriented toward loving, caring, needful, healthy sex. I don't need to expound on the seedy results of my surfing adventure. Fortunately, I have been finding a few blogs with potential, so all is not hopeless. Recommendations welcome. Meanwhile I plan to check out "Do Me" and see what it does for me.