do not disturb

Seriously

excellent

reading

in

progress.

For weeks now, I have been patiently pacing the floors waiting for my local library to deliver my hold request.

And Thursday?

Deliverance.

So now, after numerous distractions (volleyball game, two-night visit from mother-in-law, school carnival pick ups, sleepover drop offs) I am, to use a phrase I know the East Texas author would approve of, happy as a pig in sh*t.

If you are looking for a fascinating, disturbing, engaging, and inspiring memoir, or series of memoirs, which in my mind's eye is evah so much bettah, I invite you to read my absolute

favorite series by Mary Karr.

Begin with Liar's Club. Natch.

It's about her Texas childhood. Daddy working the oil fields. Momma working the bipolar. Both working the bottle.

In her words, "A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it."

Follow Liar's Club with Cherry. Karr's adolescent years. Where she unwittingly follows in her mother's footsteps. Isn't it always the way? We're running away from our parents but running right smack into them at the same time.

And finally (oh hopefully not) the sequel to the sequel, Lit.

When I read Karr's memoirs, I feel as if she is sitting by my side, talking to me. An intimate conversation where I'm thrilled I've found a new friend who will tell-it-like-it-is. No sugar coating. No holes barred. Emotional, gutsy soul barings. The stuff typically reserved for the confines of a shrink office.

The way Karr describes her confused, distressed, approach-avoidance feelings regarding her mother is deep, from-the-core, inside turning out.

And her marriage to the wealthy, waspy New Englander. The same. The subtle twists and turns that can steer a married couple right into the ditch. And the way the hurts stick with us, "the shreiking fight or the out-of-character insult endures forever, while the daily sweetness dissolves like sugar in water."

But mostly it's her insights about herself. ""For me, everything's too much and nothing's enough." Yep. Especially when I'm reading her books.

All this to say I may be even less present in the blogosphere than my poor attendance record of late.

But I know you understand.

stuck in marriage?

Or marriage struck?

After my last post on temporary divorce I worried that some of my readers might question my committment to married life, or at least those who do not get my pathetic attempt at droll wit.

So worried was I, in fact, that I scoured back to the sad beginnings of my blog for an old post, one of my earliest, in order to camouflage my blogger's block shore up any doubts. Because the fact of the matter is, I'm about as emotionally dependent on committed to my husband as I am to inhaling the air around me.

And so here is my repeat post, which, for the record, enjoyed zero comments two years ago. Needless to say, I am hoping for a better comment showing the second time around.

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For the past several years at Edge, John Brockman has asked scientists and philosophers a provocative question and then posts their answers.

The 2008 question was "What have you changed your mind about?"

One psychology professor's reply reflected on his research. Daniel Gilbert suggested that the decisions which leave us with the ability to change our minds are less satisfying than decisions which are irrevocable.

Not long after he reached this conclusion he went home to propose to his girlfriend. After several years of marriage, he believes he loves her more as his wife than he loved her as his girlfriend.

For me, a longtime married person, its refreshing to learn there are theories out there that support the notion that love can grow precisely because of options lost.

Or make that, the choice to love only one.

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Because my own personal case study in marriage, my n=1, no double-blind-placebo experiment, has led me to the same conclusion. I felt stark panic considerable uncertainty about the decision to get married. I love him but is he the right man for me? Will it last? Do I really want to make Texas my home?

But once he put the golden band around my finger all doubts fell away. Uncertainty was replaced by a more complete depth of knowing than I ever thought possible.

The divorce rate tells me this isn't everyone's experience. But I do wonder about the satisfaction levels of other irrevocable decisions.

Having a child comes to mind. We all know how powerfully satisfying parenthood can be. I know in my case, I am always awed into silence when an indecisive childfree person asks me whether she should have children or not. My first instinct as a Mom, though not as a psychologist, is to say "You will not regret it. Not even for a half of a trillionenth of a nanosecond. It is the single most life changing and rewarding experience you will ever know."

How about you, reader. Once you put a sealed decision behind you, did your satisfaction grow?

temporary divorce, anyone?

Joceyln's O Mighty post about exploring temporary housing overseas, which may or may not have included a year long divorce, got me thinking uh oh, clear the room.

Yesterday I was reading Mother Jones magazine in my doctor's waiting room. How's that for a waiting room rag? That would not fly in 99.9% of Texas towns, now would it? Reason number 2033 Why I Love Living in Austin.

So in the new issue of Mother Jones I read Nadya Labi's article about the tradition in Iran of temporary marriages. Where a man and a woman can be married by a cleric for the express purpose of relieving their sexual (his) and financial (her) tensions.

Where a temporary marriage can last anywhere from one hour to 99-years.

Where a man is allowed four full-fledged wives and unlimited temporary wives. Where a woman is allowed one full-fledged husband and no temporary husbands but if she is unmarried or widowed, she is allowed one temporary husband at a time. No mas.

Where a man can choose to extend or cut short the temporary marriage, depending on his whim. Where the woman's only choice is to remain married until the end of the contract, i.e., wait and see what her temporary husband chooses to do.

Are we seeing a pattern here?

Where the temporary husbands get to brag to their business associates about how many temporary wives they have, while typically keeping it secret from their legitimate wives. Where the temporary wives don't dare tell a soul because it is considered undesirable and cheap.

Where women seeking temporary husbands can be found lingering outside a certain shrine, identified by their inside-out chadors.

Where we in these wicked United State think this sounds an awful lot like one of our infidel customs.

There was much debate presented about the fairness of these various arrangements. Widowed women with little or no financial options who appreciated a temporary marriage allowed them to earn money as opposed to starving or begging. Who preferred to obey only their temporary husband's sexual demands compared to full-fledged brides who must obey their husband's every demand. Who were glad they didn't have to live with the dude every single solitary day of their married lives.

Yes. I can see the benefits of temporary marriage. I surely can.

This idea plus Jocelyn's post got me thinking about temporary divorce. Where husband and wife live separately for a period of time decided upon by both parties. One hour or 99-years. Joint custody arrangement, of course. Alternating weeks of utter quiet, solitude, undisturbed blogging. No dinners, no dishes, no homework, no taxi-cab service, no policing of computer time.

Weeks of space where we marrieds get to see what life is like without each other. Of sleeping in the middle of the bed or on his side of the bed which you haven't slept on in 18-plus years because he is that determined to sleep on his side of the bed no matter where we are in this world.

Weeks of having full control of the remote. The luxury of changing back and forth between Judge Judy or Women's Lifetime Channel or Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D List or the tail end of a TMC movie because, yes, those last three minutes still make me cry. Without having to listen to his heavy sigh because you can't help it if he can't follow your random train of television viewing thought.

Weeks of no Dallas Cowboys Sunday afternoons. No San Antonio Spurs-only because-they're-in-the-playoffs week nights.

So hmmm, would the temporary divorce take place during the last part of football season when the playoff games go into infinity or during March madness when the tournament games go into infinity overtime?

But aside from the petty gains of a temporary divorce, perhaps something more substantial would take place. Maybe we would grow more appreciative of the many things we do for each other. We might focus more on how much we miss our temporarily divorced spouses than on how much we wish he would wipe the crumbs off the stove top. More on how nice it is to have someone to snuggle under the covers than how annoyed we are by the fact that he is in the bathroom at just the very same minute I need to be in there.

How about you, Reader? Any thoughts on temporary marriages and temporary divorces?

what the nuts?

Need to find a birthday gift for a single friend?

Or a "Congratulations, your divorce is final!" momento?

Fret no more. Nuts are the answer. Click here.

d.i.v.o.r.c.e.

If one of your New Year's resolutions is to shed yourself of your less-than-better-half, you may find this information helpful. As someone determined to hang onto my mate, because I know a good man when I've trained, bitch-slapped found one, reading through this helps me when I occasionally need that extra motivation to put the gun down dig my heels in and make it work.

Reading these tips reminds me how difficult divorce can be, how potentially devastating an impact on one's emotional, physical and financial wellbeing.

Sometimes, of course, divorce is the only way to free oneself of a destructive partner. But sometimes we just get tired of trying or we fantasize about a newer, shinier replacement model (or maybe one whose idea of doing the dishes includes a wipe down of the counters and stove top.)

My inspiration for this post: I attended a luncheon for psychologists a while back. The speaker was an attorney who specializes in "collaborative" divorce, a concept and a practice that makes so much sense. Immense good sense when children are involved. I was very impressed with the thoughtful planning and systemmatic effort used to mitigate the negative impact of divorce, especially on the children.

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Collaborative divorce is designed to minimize the acrimony. To eliminate the standard scene: two lawyers, at opposite ends of the city, firing settlement offers back and forth, with ever escalating harsh demands. To minimize the much feared, seemingly unavoidable, endlessly rising legal bills.

Collaborative divorce is a system that helps both sides of the table stay calm and negotiate cooperatively. To figure out what each party wants most and move forward from there. Usually (if either party has a wit of healthy parenting instinct) that involves protecting the kids from unnecessary nastiness.

I went to the attorney's webpage the other day to get some information. I retrieved some sensible advice for people contemplating or going through a divorce.

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Top Ten Things to Remember During a Divorce to Maintain Your Sanity

1. Take care of yourself physically. Find a way to release stress, move your body and clear out your mind. Yoga, exercise and meditation are great resources.

2. “Fair” is a matter of perspective. What seems fair to you may not seem fair to your spouse or your children. No one is objectively right or wrong about what is or is not fair.

3. Wishing things or people were not the way they are is a tremendous waste of time and energy. Instead, focus on changing what you can change.

4. For things to change, first you must change. That means do something differently, even if it is only changing the way you relate to some piece of information.

5. Your life and your divorce are different from your neighbors’, your friends’ and your brother’s life and divorce. What worked for them may or may not work for you. Take their well-meaning advice as information only.

6. When you forgive someone else, you are helping yourself more than you are helping them. Harboring resentments is like taking poison while hoping that it will cause someone else to die.

7. Acknowledge and work through your feelings. Your emotions are your body’s way of moving energy. The more you push emotions away, the more powerful and overwhelming they become.

8. The only thing we can really count on is that things change. When things are the way you want them, be grateful, because they are going to change. When things are not the way you want them, be grateful that they will also change.

9. Treat yourself kindly and accept kindness from others. Allow others to do for you what you would do for them if they needed it.

10. Live up to your own standards. The right thing to do is the right thing to do, regardless of how anyone else is acting.

Top Ten Practical Things to Remember When Going Through a Divorce

1. Make sure you're physically safe. Courts can issue restraining orders and protective orders, but they're just pieces of paper. If you feel that you and/or your children are physically unsafe, call the authorities.

2. Take care of yourself physically. Find a way to release stress, move your body and clear out your mind. (Redundant? There's a reason. It's that important. More to come in a later post).

3. Find an attorney who fits your style and personality. Remember, you're the boss. Your attorney should tell you your options, explain the consequences and costs of each choice, then let you decide what to do next.

4. Get very clear on how you will pay your living expenses when you are no longer married. If you need education, find out where to get it, how long it will take and how much it will cost. If you need to change jobs or get a job, do that before you are desperate for money, if possible.

5. Learn as much as you can about your financial situation before you separate. Make copies of old records, go through the files, consult your accountant.

6. Treat the financial aspects of your divorce as a business decision. Cut your losses, optimize your gains.

7. Join or create a support group. Family, friends, church members, colleagues, neighbors -- anyone except your children. There are churches, therapists and other professionals who run divorce support groups. Find the same thing for your children. Many school counselors run ongoing groups for students whose parents are divorced or divorcing.

8. Look at the big picture. It is easy to get caught up in small matters that are irritating now, but that won't make a difference to your life in the long run. Don't sweat the small stuff.

9. Encourage your children to have a positive relationship with their other parent. When they go to his or her house, tell them to have a good time. Don't talk bad about the other parent to the children or in front of the children. (Note from me: This point cannot be over stated. It is crucial. Allow your children to enjoy as positive and normal an experience with the other parent as possible).

10. Avoid doing anything that you don't want your spouse to know about. Chances are, he or she will find out one way or another.

All pictures shamelessly snagged from google searches, including this blog, divorcehim.