d.i.v.o.r.c.e.

If one of your New Year's resolutions is to shed yourself of your less-than-better-half, you may find this information helpful. As someone determined to hang onto my mate, because I know a good man when I've trained, bitch-slapped found one, reading through this helps me when I occasionally need that extra motivation to put the gun down dig my heels in and make it work.

Reading these tips reminds me how difficult divorce can be, how potentially devastating an impact on one's emotional, physical and financial wellbeing.

Sometimes, of course, divorce is the only way to free oneself of a destructive partner. But sometimes we just get tired of trying or we fantasize about a newer, shinier replacement model (or maybe one whose idea of doing the dishes includes a wipe down of the counters and stove top.)

My inspiration for this post: I attended a luncheon for psychologists a while back. The speaker was an attorney who specializes in "collaborative" divorce, a concept and a practice that makes so much sense. Immense good sense when children are involved. I was very impressed with the thoughtful planning and systemmatic effort used to mitigate the negative impact of divorce, especially on the children.

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Collaborative divorce is designed to minimize the acrimony. To eliminate the standard scene: two lawyers, at opposite ends of the city, firing settlement offers back and forth, with ever escalating harsh demands. To minimize the much feared, seemingly unavoidable, endlessly rising legal bills.

Collaborative divorce is a system that helps both sides of the table stay calm and negotiate cooperatively. To figure out what each party wants most and move forward from there. Usually (if either party has a wit of healthy parenting instinct) that involves protecting the kids from unnecessary nastiness.

I went to the attorney's webpage the other day to get some information. I retrieved some sensible advice for people contemplating or going through a divorce.

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Top Ten Things to Remember During a Divorce to Maintain Your Sanity

1. Take care of yourself physically. Find a way to release stress, move your body and clear out your mind. Yoga, exercise and meditation are great resources.

2. “Fair” is a matter of perspective. What seems fair to you may not seem fair to your spouse or your children. No one is objectively right or wrong about what is or is not fair.

3. Wishing things or people were not the way they are is a tremendous waste of time and energy. Instead, focus on changing what you can change.

4. For things to change, first you must change. That means do something differently, even if it is only changing the way you relate to some piece of information.

5. Your life and your divorce are different from your neighbors’, your friends’ and your brother’s life and divorce. What worked for them may or may not work for you. Take their well-meaning advice as information only.

6. When you forgive someone else, you are helping yourself more than you are helping them. Harboring resentments is like taking poison while hoping that it will cause someone else to die.

7. Acknowledge and work through your feelings. Your emotions are your body’s way of moving energy. The more you push emotions away, the more powerful and overwhelming they become.

8. The only thing we can really count on is that things change. When things are the way you want them, be grateful, because they are going to change. When things are not the way you want them, be grateful that they will also change.

9. Treat yourself kindly and accept kindness from others. Allow others to do for you what you would do for them if they needed it.

10. Live up to your own standards. The right thing to do is the right thing to do, regardless of how anyone else is acting.

Top Ten Practical Things to Remember When Going Through a Divorce

1. Make sure you're physically safe. Courts can issue restraining orders and protective orders, but they're just pieces of paper. If you feel that you and/or your children are physically unsafe, call the authorities.

2. Take care of yourself physically. Find a way to release stress, move your body and clear out your mind. (Redundant? There's a reason. It's that important. More to come in a later post).

3. Find an attorney who fits your style and personality. Remember, you're the boss. Your attorney should tell you your options, explain the consequences and costs of each choice, then let you decide what to do next.

4. Get very clear on how you will pay your living expenses when you are no longer married. If you need education, find out where to get it, how long it will take and how much it will cost. If you need to change jobs or get a job, do that before you are desperate for money, if possible.

5. Learn as much as you can about your financial situation before you separate. Make copies of old records, go through the files, consult your accountant.

6. Treat the financial aspects of your divorce as a business decision. Cut your losses, optimize your gains.

7. Join or create a support group. Family, friends, church members, colleagues, neighbors -- anyone except your children. There are churches, therapists and other professionals who run divorce support groups. Find the same thing for your children. Many school counselors run ongoing groups for students whose parents are divorced or divorcing.

8. Look at the big picture. It is easy to get caught up in small matters that are irritating now, but that won't make a difference to your life in the long run. Don't sweat the small stuff.

9. Encourage your children to have a positive relationship with their other parent. When they go to his or her house, tell them to have a good time. Don't talk bad about the other parent to the children or in front of the children. (Note from me: This point cannot be over stated. It is crucial. Allow your children to enjoy as positive and normal an experience with the other parent as possible).

10. Avoid doing anything that you don't want your spouse to know about. Chances are, he or she will find out one way or another.

All pictures shamelessly snagged from google searches, including this blog, divorcehim.