Monday, January 11, 2010

deceived no more

I'm onto you, my little golden bar of soap. You can't fool me: Your sleek size. Your shrinking weight. Your newly slenderized waistline.

Your same price.

You used to be 4.5 oz. You are now 4 oz. And I am not the only one who has noticed.

At the end of each of our relationships, I used to cherish your remains. Take your soap slivers and lovingly place them flat along the inside of the rounded contour of your replacement bar. In the soap divot, if you will. A sliver pit for soap shavings. A token remembrance of all those showers we used to share.

In fact, your carved out cavity seems designed for the express purpose of holding my leftover slivers, doesn't it? Aiding we spurned lovers in our quest to slide you close along our nekkid bodies ever longer, until the inevitable end.

But in doing so, I see that I am covering your logo. Your crafty product designers wouldn't let that happen, would they? And break their cardinal rule of marketing? Thou shalt not cover thy product's trademark?

So no. I will not suffer fools gladly. Your cored out concavity isn't there for my convenience. It isn't there so I can scrimp and save and get an extra two showers out of your incredibly shrinking bar-hood.

It isn't there for my ease or protection either, so that the soap fits more precisely in my hand, preventing those potentially embarrassing and increasingly dangerous drop-soap-reach maneuvers.

Come back, Heath-soap, come back!

It isn't about me at all, is it?

No, the concave hollow is merely a way for your makers, the manufacturers, to fool me, the loyal customer, into thinking the price remains the same. So that they can continue selling more, but smaller, bars of soap. So that they can keep their jobs. So that their stockholders, your pimps, can continue to maintain their lavish lifestyles.

Make me the cuckhold, will you?

Think a-gain.

So, dear soap, no more recycling for me. No more lingering last moments of lucious lathering. No indeed.

I've hatched a plan. I'm saving your golden slivers in a plastic pouch, otherwise known as a baggie. I'm also saving my empty breath mint dispensers. Because it's only a matter of time before your personal size bar of soap will shrink to the size of a Tic Tac. When that day comes, I shall be ready.

So look for me in the back alley ways. I'll be the woman with the wig and the fake moustache, with the look of spurned longing on her face, frantically waving to get your attention, standing behind her car with the trunk open to reveal thousands of candy sized slivers of soap, encased in plastic dispensers, disguised as orange breath mints.

And on that day? Fear not. I shall no longer be your fool. Your cuckhold. Your spurned latherer.

I shall be free.

But the soap won't be.

$1.09 plus tax, please.


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I am a soap wastrel--as soon as it gets thin it's in the trash. I blame my 24-pack of soap from Costco.

phd in yogurtry said...

I do big-box packs too, Jenn. I'm a sentimental tightwad. What can I say?

snugglebug said...

I am more prone to using the soap as long as possible.

Megan said...

I have a mesh bag/shower puff. Soap slivers go inside, their life thereby extended for a few days. BWAHAHAHAHA I HAVE TRIUMPHED.

Magpie said...

I'm the kind of tightwad that purloins all of my father's stolen bars of hotel soap. I can't remember the last time I used a full sized purchased bar.

Jodi Anderson said...

I bought the cutest little knitted bag for bars (and their slivers) of soap. I use liquid soap, so, um ... that's not working out too well for me.

Seriously though, I do hate it when companies lower their size but not the price. Argh.

Melissa said...

I could not stop laughing while reading this!

PurestGreen said...

Hooray! I loved this. My mom used to save soap slivers in a big ice cream bucket. I can still remember the scent of Irish Clean. I have never been to Ireland but I don't think it smells like that.

"Spurned latherer." Excellent.

Tammy said...

Great post! My husband and I were talking about this the other day, how packaging has changed (to be smaller) on some items we use, but the price has stayed the same or gone up in some cases.

I recently switched to liquid soup so I don't deal with those sliver anymore!

Mental P Mama said...

LOL. I thought I was the only one...

Jenn@ You know... that blog? said...

Wow... just... wow. ;) the things you learn about people by visiting their blogs, eh?

My husband likes Irish Spring, and I bought that soap baggie thing for him for 2 reasons - I HATE soap gunk, and... what was the other reason again? I know there was one. Doesn't matter.

I use a facial cleanser and a nice body wash, no bars for me!

blognut said...

Liquid soap. That is my advice to you - free of charge!

Elizabeth said...

I get it -- I, too, get a perverse thrill saving the soap to the last sliver. What IS that all about?

This was hilarious.

phd in yogurtry said...

I don't know, Elizabeth. But it looks like we conventional soapers need to stick together. So many liquid soapers. No slivers. Just a few bubbly gurgles at the bottom of the bottle. Where is the challenge and thrill in that?

JCK said...

They are very clever. But, not too clever for Phd in Yogurtry, by God!

Kelli Anne Busey said...

Wow! I never even thought about it. I was always attracted to the slim, sensuous enticingly scented soap... well anyways, increasingly dangerous soap drops? Some people have all the luk:)

Reluctant Blogger said...

Oh yes, we use soap until it actually disappears. Leads to some interesting experiences!

Everything is shrinking. All the cakes I remember as a child are now half the size they were. Shame as they would need to be twice the size to satisfy my hunger now.

Aunt Becky said...

That's always so depressing, isn't it?

Andrea Frazer said...


Jocelyn said...

I was just staring at our soap--the exact same--the other day, thinking, "My, aren't they clever."

So are you.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

You are damn hilarious.

And you would be mortified that I not only throw out the tiny pieces but I also pay an exorbitant price for fat, luscious-smelling roughly cut bars.

Madge said...

i used to fret over that damn little left-over piece of soap and then one day i realized i couldn't do it anymore. in the trash it went.

dkuroiwa said...

this made me laugh.
we are a liquid soap kind of family...but, a few weeks ago when i was cleaning out the cabinet in the bathroom, i found some bars left over from, obviously, another youngest was a bit concerned...."but..why is it in there?" (they have bars of soap at school to wash their hands with but, it's all tied up in the mesh bags and hanging on the sink....fresh, loose bars were something new!!)

aah...Irish Spring.
i hadn't thought of THAT soap in such a long time...i always wished we used that but we were a Safeguard family.

Hip Mom's Guide said...

Oh, I squish that little last bit onto the new bar every time. Makes my husband crazy! I'm an Ivory girl, myself.