On his bedside table, Sam has what he likes to call the sex lamp. It looks like this:
Yes, that's right. You saw correctly. The sex lamp looks like this:
Now, I ask you, is there anything even remotely sexy about this lamp? Of course not. But then, that's not why he calls it the sex lamp.
I laid eyes on this luminary gem soon after meeting Sam. I found it endearing, assuming as I did at the time that it represented his post-divorce poverty. But it remains on his side of the bed to this day, after many years of post-nuptial
And you only thought you had bedroom decor issues.
Design challenges aside, this lamp has a strong fluorescent bulb. So bright it could light up Yankee Stadium.
Now, if there's one thing everyone
in the porn industry can agree on, it's that fluorescent lighting is sexy. Says this highly sensitive person who cringes under the charged mercury vapors.
Be that as it may, I agreed to allow the sex lamp in our shared bedroom when he
held it aloft and shouted "from my cold dead hands!" said he planned on keeping it. I agreed in a pleasing manner that succeeded in appearing sincere, even. I agreed because the lamp holds sentimental value for him. He acquired the lamp as a mere lad in grade school. Traded green stamps for it, even. I agreed because my feminist values dictate that home decor is not the sole dominion of women. And I agreed because, as I figured it, old lamps burn out.
But twenty years later? That butt ugly lamp is still burning.
So why does he call it the sex lamp, you are wondering? Well, here it is. The bright spot in all of this lamp lunacy. When the sex lamp is turned on? So are my husband's good intentions. And so am I. He likes to see what he's doing when he's working his magic. And work it he does.
Which leads me to my own personal maxim: An agreement made is an agreement kept.
In short, I'm stuck with the lamp.
Until the bulb burns out. Because in this case, I don't believe in fixin' that which is broke.
And now, good reader,
PLEASE please leave a comment with your sure-fire, covert means of hastening the demise of an ancient, obnoxious flourescent light bulb.