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Friday, July 03, 2009

you can bite my ass




No wait, fellas. I meant that figuratively. Not that I literally meant for you to bite me on my ass for real. heh heh.

Chigger bites. That's right people. On my ass. Both cheeks. One of the little fockers dared to make the climb into the great gorge, falling just short of my holy grail, you know that place from which things exit but never, ever enter. Dirty bastard.

Try to conduct a full day's worth of therapy sessions when you've got chigger bites all over both of your gluteus maximusses.

"And then, Dr. Yogurt, after he called me a whore, he grabbed me by the hair and threw me across the ...."

I'm sorry, Mrs. O'Reilly. Do you mind if we pause for a moment while I scratch my ass?

scratch. scratch.



scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch

They itch like freaking hell. Especially the dime sized ones. Chiggers like creases. Yeah, right there. Both sides. And at my age, creases are everywhere the sun don't shine.

My daughter fared worse than me. She counted more than 50 bites. Most of them following a military straight marching formation along her bikini line.

Where were we? What were we doing? And how long were we doing it, when we gave chiggers unlimited access to our asses?

First we were walking along here:




Lady Bird Lake, which at my house shall always be referred to as Town Lake Hike 'n Bike Trail. This is part of the Colorado River that runs through Austin. We are standing on the 1st Street pedestrian bridge looking westward, at that dividing point between downtown and south Austin. The bridge in the distance is the Lamar Pedestrian Bridge.

And here:



And here,




The reason my tweenage twin daughters are looking all sullen and petulant and refusing to look at the camera, otherwise known as bringing me the kind of joy and satisfaction I knew would be my reward for all of those million-and-five sh*tty diaper changes, is because the forced march walk was Stalin's their mother's idea. And none of their friends were available to come along. You know how that goes. Mother will pay.


But how did the chiggers skip over the ankles and plant themselves on the butt-tocks region, you ask? I asked that too.

Apparently while we were crouching down to capture the right amount of sunlight for their America's Next Top Model portfolio, a nest of larvae-of-harvest-mites were rubbing their grubby little arachnoid legs together in anticipation of a late lunch.

Right about here,





So yeah. Mother always pays.

34 comments:

Jenn @ youknow... that blog? said...

HAHAHA!

Oh sorry. Totally not funny.

heeheehee... heehee

Mental P Mama said...

Ah the saga of the petulant tweens....and we used to treat our chigger bites with dollops of nail polish;) Could be fun....

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Oh my. I have heard of, but never encountered, chiggers. I'm feeling pretty happy about that right now.

Lisa Wheeler Milton said...

Next time I complain about NW weather, I will remember our utter lack of bugs, relatively speaking.

Poor you.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Mercy! Now I have a crush on you.

JCK said...

Oh NO. Chigger bites are horrible. Horrible! You do know about nail polish, right? It is the only thing that works. You'll have to get your husband to do it to your ass region. That and benadryl. Oh, you poor thing.

Fragrant Liar said...

Holy crevasse, Batman! Sorry to hear you got chiggered.

Once when one of my daughters was about three and we had just moved to Austin and knew NOTHING about chiggers, she got "attacked" by them in the front yard. I had to take her to the ER because of an inexplicably high fever and swollen lymph nodes. And it was all from the chiggers!!

Little bastards!

Mary said...

er what are chiggers?

Cause they sound downright nasty..

Talon said...

Okay, we have mosquitos the size of helicopters and black flies and ticks, but we don't have chiggers who sound downright voracious! Hope you they heal quickly for you. Cheeky little chiggers! ;)

imom said...

Oh man, that sucks! I had never heard of a chigger until now, I do know about petulant teens though.

Have a great 4th!

Jannie Funster said...

Well, I came from Talon's to find that you are a fellow Austinite.

And yes it will always be Town Lake trail to me too.

I got's a fire ant bite on my right foot yesterday. Dont' ya just love it here??

Jannie Funster said...

Extra super-great to see you over there at Funstertown today and checking out the Funsterment.

THANKS!

blognut said...

Heh. I'm not laughing AT you, but I am kinda laughing. Hopefully you're laughing, 'cause that would mean that I'd be laughing WITH you and that is way less mean.

Jason, as himself said...

I have never even heard of chiggers until this post. They sound bad. Very bad. But tweens sometimes deserve stuff.

Sinda said...

As we were lying in the grass last night watching the fireworks, we wondered if there were any of those suckers around. Since I'd never encountered them here in Austin, I was hoping Houston was safe. We're still itch-free, but I'm so sorry you aren't!

phd in yogurtry said...

sinda -- I'd always heard chiggers are found in tall grass. But in our case, it was very low grassy patches but mostly dirt. So I guess you just never know? Ah well, much better now. Thankfully the bites go away.

Fantastic Forrest said...

Chiggers are the WORST.

I use vinegar to take the sting out of mosquito bites, but I don't think that would help with those little feckers.

My mom swears that by taking vitamin B, she is no longer tasty to the chiggers, so she doesn't get bites anymore. You might look into that.

Love your post title!!

AnnD said...

I've never had chigger bites before. But, my mom used to yell out the window while my sister and I rolled in the grass: "You're gonna get chiggers! You better get out of that grass!"

The chiggers never happened but I have heard they are miserable.

Good luck getting the daughters to go ANYWHERE that isn't their idea now!

Maggie May said...

chiggers is such a hilarious word

the itching not so much

Becca said...

oh that suck suck suck suck sucks!!!!!!

Jocelyn said...

OI!

OI!

OI!

I feel for you, darlin'. But, at the same time, I'm also feeling really glad chiggers are (so I hear) a Southern thing. All we have in MN is mosquitoes as State Bird.

I look at your daughters and remember being them and know my own kids are going to make me pay.

OI!

Yarni Gras! said...

thanks for the laugh....I almost peed my pants. too funny!

Mary Alice said...

snort. Ahhh chiggers. I haven't had a really good case of chigger bites since I left Georgia. You got me all verklempt. I kinda miss the little bastards. How sick is that? Chiggers and sweet tea.

Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet jesus, Not THERE!!!

Health Psych said...

Never heard of chiggers...not sure I want to! Butt-er be more careful in future. Groan.

Brigit said...

That's one bug we don't have here in Australia, and I reckon we have just about everything else you can think of, and those that aren't native, bigger and better than the country they came from, so just make sure your chiggers stay exactly where they are.

g said...

Oh, God. Chiggers. Its been years since I've had them.

Have you visited Blognut?? Cause she has had some spider bites.

Meanwhile I woke up this morning with like six giant pink welts on my back, my thigh, and the doughy, fatty part of my side by my waist. I don't know whether its mosquito bites or hives, but they are big and itchy!

Reinvent Dad said...

I can't stop itching, and I have never even had a chigger bite! Thanks a lot!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Oh how I know your pain. There really is nothing worse.

I'll take a tick any day!

Magpie said...

Ouch ouch ouch. I haven't had one of those in YEARS, but I remember.

phd in yogurtry said...

g -- "giant pink welts on my back, my thigh, and the doughy, fatty part of my side by my waist"

this is exactly how I would describe mine. big pinnk welts on various soft spots. hope my chiggers didn't jump throught the internets and bite you!

Hip Mom's Guide said...

Chiggers are horrible. I haven't lived in the south for 20 yrs, but I've never forgotten those tiny terrors.

I laughed out loud at your description of why your girls were angry. You're right on the money, you professional therapist, you. It's one of the ways boys and girls are similar. They share the not-so-secret code of How to Make
Mom Pay.

Feel better!

Hip Mom's Guide said...

Chiggers are horrible. I haven't lived in the south for 20 yrs, but I've never forgotten those tiny terrors.

I laughed out loud at your description of why your girls were angry. You're right on the money, you professional therapist, you. It's one of the ways boys and girls are similar. They share the not-so-secret code of How to Make
Mom Pay.

Feel better!

Marcia said...

I've been attacked too! Benadryl brings the most relief. Bought some Chigeraid today. It helps. Can't wait to get rid of the no-see-ems. That's another name for chiggers or red bugs, as we called them when I was a kid. They're very tiny!! Hang in there. We'll get through this!