Astrological Idendity Disorder.
For more years than I care to reveal I've been solid in my ability to answer the dreaded question, "What's your sign?"
Aires has been my firm answer.
According to experts of the astrological kind, "Due to the Earth's changing alignment in the last 3000 years" the sign I was born into is now different.
I'm now, these experts say, a Pisces.
But hold on. That's my mother's sign.
I know a little something about her sign. I used to read her forecast when I was in high school: Will Mom let me borrow her car tonight or won't she?
But now, it's me who is the Pisces. Which means not only is my face developing wrinkles in the same place as hers, my personality has become her. That life long fear of turning into my mother? Yeah. It's happening. Right before my very stars.
Whereas before I was:
Now I am:
Not so bad. And as it turns out, Pisces is more like me. Which means my worst nightmare has come true.
I am more like my mother than I am like myself.
Here are the new signs with their new date configurations.
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
So now my question is, how do I answer that age-old smarmy getting-to-know-you question? Never mind that I'm not in the dating game and haven't been asked this question in over twenty years.
Although, I do recall a recent conversation at a bar with an Asian woman obviously new to this country. Trying to strike up conversation and, apparently, sound American, she asked,
"What sign you are?"
Which sounded to me like, "What's eye you are?"
To which I asked, "Pardon?"
To which she replied, "What's eye is that?"
To which I asked, "Excuse me?"
This went back and forth until a few
beers questions later we finally got on track.
"Oh! I'm Aires!" I practically leaped, grateful that she wasn't both unfamilliar with the language AND mentally disturbed.
You might have noticed from the list that there's a new sign on the astrological block:
Ophiuchus (OFF-ee-YOO-kuss), which, after a few beers, might sound like "Aw fee-uck you us."
And which also means, if you are born between November 29th and Dec. 17th, you get to tell that smarmy bar fly with the 70's mustache what your sign is and to f*ck off at the same time.
What about you, reader? Are you undergoing a personality change right before your very stars?